Live An Extraordinary Life

Photo courtesy of Jano Kray

Hi and Welcome back!

Are you ready to have an extraordinary relationship? I’m talking about the kind of relationship that provides you with a deep sense of fulfillment emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually. Having this type of intimate relationship is something that most of us want and need in our lives. So, whether you are in a relationship already and want to take it to the next level or you are looking to find the right partner, here are 7 Principles of Success that I hope you will find helpful.

1. Love yourself first. Nothing attracts a healthy, loving partner into your life more than being a healthy loving person. Take a spin through these statements to see how you are doing.

No matter how busy I am I make sure to take care of my body, eat well, exercise and get enough sleep.

I am  consistently tuned in to how I feel and I make decisions and take actions in ways that honor my emotional well-being.

I feel confident and happy with myself. I trust myself.

I avoid negative self-talk. If I slip and harshly criticize myself, I quickly recognize it and immediately replace the negative thought with a positive one.

If I act in ways that do not honor the best in me, I am compassionate with myself and see it simply as an opportunity to do better next time.

I don’t tolerate people, places or situations in my life that zap my joy or  energy.

I  would pick me for a best friend.

2. Know what you want and need and why. Specificity is important here. Who is your ideal partner? What are their beliefs and values, what kind of sense of humor do they have, what work do they do, what kind of heart do they have?

Perhaps most important, what do you need from them. When I say “need” I’m not talking about something required to fill a self-love gap that you haven’t taken care of yourself. I’m talking about what you need to feel and be at your best. So if you are someone who needs a lot of freedom in a relationship to explore your different interests and talents, you probably want to make sure that you are with someone who is self-reliant and confident and doesn’t need you around all of the time.

3. Choose your relationship, don’t fall into unconsciously out of convenience, boredom or loneliness. If you have taken care of #1 & 2, this is not likely.

4. Learn to be an expert communicator, especially when there is conflict (hint hint). Once in a relationship the most important component of success is communication. It is how you build strength, trust, intimacy and connection. Communicating together is how you share and join together your hopes and dreams and desires. When times get tough it is this common foundation, created through communicating, that is the glue that will hold your relationship together.

5. Make compassion and forgiveness a way of life. Compassion is the ability to show concern for the suffering of your partner. Sometimes your partner is the only one in the world who knows that you are suffering. Often, they can be the only who can provide the mercy and support you need to get through something difficult. What a gift to be able to give and receive.

And then there is the earthly reality is that we are all flawed and at some point will screw up. This makes learning to forgive a good thing because you too, will at some point, need to ask for the forgiveness of your partner for something that you have done.

Compassion and forgiveness are the tools used in extraordinary relationships to extract the wisdom from whatever you are going through as a couple; they help take your relationship to deeper and amazing levels of intimacy.

6. Keep the sex and romance alive. Healthy sexual intimacy is a must and is the ultimate sacred exchange that creates a unique bond between partners. It will look and feel different at different times in your relationship. The key is that each person stays willing to experiment, play and take the time to make their partner feel desired and cherished. Romance is different. It is about imagination and creatively keep things fresh and unexpected within your relationship.

7. Have a sense of humor. Life has a way of providing lots of material to laugh at and relationships are no exception. The #1 rule is to not take yourself too seriously and #2 is learn to laugh at yourself. Then, invite your partner to laugh with you because believe me, they want to desperately!

So there you have it. Was this helpful?

Photo courtesy of Jano Kray

Hi and Welcome back!

We have been talking about what it takes to create an extraordinary life and in my last blog I touched on fear and how it is an unlikely companion in this process.

Fear often gets a bad wrap. The truth is that fear is one of the most beneficial emotions we have. 

1.  It keeps us alive by triggering the limbic system of the brain and letting us know when we are in physical, emotional or spiritual danger

2. It tells us when we are on the verge of something great (because that is usually scarier than hell)

3. It helps us stay humble and compassionate by bringing us face to face with our own vulnerability

But often fear operates at an unconscious level and gets out of control and this is what prevents us from taking the action we need to fulfill our potential and create the extraordinary life that is available to us.

So, lets break it down a bit.  If you rewind any experience in your life to understand a particular outcome you will find that for most of us it generally goes like this:

We have beliefs and values that form how we think about the world which in turn drives our emotions, which result in our actions which then create our experience of life

When we are experiencing fear unconsciously, which neuroscientists tell us we do at an astonishing rate, most often we are experiencing False Evidence Appearing Real. We figure this out only when we take the time to examine  step by step what thought generated the fear, and what belief and value drove the thought.

This is when we realize that often we don’t even believe the belief that generated the thought that created the fear that stopped us in our tracks and left us feeling dissatisfied by our inability to take the action that would fulfill our dream. 

OK, so what do we do with all of this? Become conscious of it and be the master of your own domain! In the next week try this:

1. Get in touch with the physical feeling you get when you feel afraid, apprehensive, or anxious.  NAME the feeling and location of the feeling in your body. For example, your heart may race, your head may ache, your gut may tighten. Get very familiar with how it feels so you can recognize it quickly.

2. Notice what is going on that caused the fear. What is the situation, topic, person, language etc…

3. Ask yourself what thoughts you are having about that situation, topic, person, language.

4. Figure out what beliefs those thoughts are anchored in and ask if they are still valid for you. This is where you understand if fear is helping you do any of  the good stuff in #1-3 at the beginning of the blog, or if it is False Evidence Appearing Real or an unconscious, maybe even habitual response.

5. Consciously decide what action you will take. The moment you take control of yourself, meaning your thoughts and your actions, you will feel a reduction in fear.

Please remember these things:

• The only one we can control is ourself and the only action we control is our own.
• We will never be in control of our life if we don’t take control.
• Last, the goal here is to increase responsiveness (conscious, mindful thought and action) and decrease reactivity (unconscious, triggered thoughts and actions).